Haven’t updated in a while. I’ll be bring some thoughts to you soon.
-As if this was Twitter.
xoxo,
gg
Visible Children: We got trouble.
For those asking what you can do to help, please link to visiblechildren.tumblr.com wherever you see KONY 2012 posts. And tweet a link to this page to famous people on Twitter who are talking about KONY 2012!
I do not doubt for a second that those involved in KONY 2012 have great intentions, nor…
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Is this it? At the end of it all, is this what I’m left with? Pleasure with no pain, but pleasure without gain, is like momentum without anything to move forward. What did I move forward? My ego? My selfish desires? What did I lose? Nothing, really. Except a little more of my soul. Creating one set of rules for myself and using a different playbook for somebody else. Because I promised and promised again, agreed and agreed once more, said yes, a thousand times, but what did yes really mean? What did change really mean? Could it be really that hard to escape from bondage? Am I the President of the United States? Do I have two different mindsets whom I have to appease and oppose? What is really important? What really matters? I feel like this is the third time now I have had to answer this question, but this time by myself. Because it sure feels like I am by myself.
Because at the end of the day, when I hit rock bottom, there is nothing else but rock bottom and that’s will I have to stand on. No matter how dark it gets down here, at least I will be standing on something. Theoretically, I have to first admit that I am at rock bottom, otherwise I’m just tearing another hole in the fabric of my life. Falling backstage into another pit in which I don’t belong. This cracking of my back, this feeling of misfit within my own skin. I am, honestly sick and tired of it. But will I make that stand. Will I really want to move forward. How many times must I die inside before I’m willing to truly die?
exacerbation.
so many thoughts are popping into my head now resolutions, promises, hate, love, anger, lost, loneliness.
i’ve often viewed life as a roller coaster. many people view it in that way too. highs and lows. good times and the bad. moments with friends and moments alone. wonder and wander. freeway and empty parking lot. on ramp and off ramp.
yet in the past two weeks, well on the past two weekends, more specifically int the past two days, i felt like i was repeating myself or more to the point: i was faced with the same question twice.
what do you want out of life?
my initial response was happiness, a different kind of joy, not the temporal kind but one that had been escaping, seeping out of my system for the past three years. the kind that comes with good grades, a closer family, reliable friends—steadiness.
yet as the five days of mundane started up again, there was the highs and lows, the joy and the void. disillusions, spirits reaching out towards me, darkness surrounding me.
and then another break, a little blessing in disguise, another God-given moment to spend alone time with a friend, a trustee, a father, to have that same question asked
what do you want out life?
and this time, I knew, I affirmed. because it gets ridiculous when you’re able to see yourself for a brief moment, as if you were asleep and able to see yourself sleeping, or to drive a car and then glance at the rear-view mirror only to see yourself sitting in the back seat. that’s what it was like. I knew then, the answer had to be Him and Him alone. Without Him, I am nothing.
Of course, everything hasn’t been perfect after that. Should it be? Yes. Could it be? Yes. Is it?
no. not yet. but it’s getting there. Yes, it’s like…sliding on ice, you’re going so fast and then all of a sudden you’re at the end of the curb and run into slush.
there is something going on. it’s like gentle lightning descending from the sky, reaching down, just waiting to be touched.
No longer Kingda Ka, but now I’ve been thrown into a bumper car. and i just keep on bumping, and bumping, surrounded by all these cars. and the noise of that electric rod that i’m still attached to. but i’m getting close. i’m almost there, just waiting for that triumphant horn to sound, to let me know when i can begin. i’m so close. i can feel this surge of excitement.
and once this round starts, there’s no going back.
and once this round finishes, there’s Victory in this win.
i.jesskayho: That 7v1 fight video. If you are a Christian, read this as a favor to me.
Firstly, yes, I agree that it’s absolutely horrible and I can’t imagine why kids would do something as dumb as ganging up on someone who is clearly outnumbered and beating him senseless. They are completely stupid and should be told that making someone powerless does not give you more power and…
prodigal. (anything but)
Well the title should have been called Lose Yourself (a reference to the Eminem song) because it’s just oh so easy to lose yourself when you snap back to reality, when you realize oh there goes gravity. Having been at a conference for four days and three nights make you feel numb. And that the moment that you walk out those doors, you’re vulnerable, even it when it was walking down to the street just to get food.
There’s this craziness, this thing called sin.
It’s just like opening a door, the wind just rushes in.
Consumes, and there’s no escapin’, cause you gotta inhale.
Good thing we gotta and can exhale as well,
Otherwise we’d be be nowhere but hell.
What a demoralizing blow to fall back into the sin that I so struggled to get over with before that conference and to come back and fall straight into it again. i could literally feel the bubble around me as I was tempted and then it burst after I gave in.
Honesty Is Not the Best Policy, Actions are. With a capital “i”
To show to you that I care.
To show you that I mean the words that I say and I am not the blatant hypocrite that I claim I am not.
You spin my head right ‘round
I live on 89-[CENSORED] [CENSORED] STREET Elmhurst, NY, 11373. If you look at NYC Subway Map, if I want to get to Forest Hills or Jamaica and I am running late, I could take a local train, either the M or the R, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 stops to the Forest Hills station. But being that this is the Empire State of Mind, and we ain’t got no time to let die, I sometimes do the crazy.
I would go the “long way” which usually takes a lesser amount of time. This requires me to head the opposite direction, towards Manhattan one stop, to Roosevelt Avenue, step off the train, walk up the stairs to cross to the other side and take an express train to Forest Hills.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably questioning my IQ right now or you’re wondering why I’m using trains of all the possible metaphors out there. It’s because I have an obsession with trains.
And God.
And that day, I was feeling depressed. And I proposed a little challenge towards God. I asked Him, that if He really cared about me, He would send me a sign of some sort. Now, I should have asked for a miracle healing or a million dollars because this was one of the times that God actually gave a straight up answer.
He used MTA to show me.
Because that day as I descended down the stairs to take the “long way,” I saw a local train to Forest Hills arrive on the opposite platform, and in my head I was going ‘Damn it!’ But when I got to Roosevelt Avenue, there was an express train that had just conveniently arrived. So I ran dashingly, barely making it without injuring someone. All in all, at the end, the express train was slightly faster.
Long story short—
God wanted to show me that whether or not I followed Him, time would still pass and certain things would not wait for me. I can either live life as if there was no tomorrow, constantly sinning in grace, being ignorant of the people who love me, and doing my own selfish things or I can live life looking towards God, trusting in his perfection and sovereignty, and listening to the wisdom of those that God has placed in my life.
In other words, I can live free and die hard, or take it one step at a time.
